Author: Tim Brown

Have you ever hurt someone’s feelings but been oblivious at the time? Perhaps you said something teasing that was interpreted as mean-spirited.

By the time we reach adulthood, most of us have done or said a lot of things that require apologies. But making a heart-felt apology that helps pave the way for better relations requires skill and a mature, deliberate intent.

In this time of reflection, do you feel you need to apologize to someone? If so, perhaps you could benefit from a few pointers before you talk to the person. Even if nothing comes to mind right now that you need to apologize for, check these steps to make your future apologies meaningful:

1. Acknowledge that you’ve done or said something hurtful. In correcting any mistake, the first step to an apology is to recognize – even to admit privately – that you’ve done something that has caused hurt or emotional pain.

• Sometimes, people let us know they’re feeling injured by lashing out. Others withdraw and become quiet.
  
  
  • Gently asking questions is a great way to begin to discover what’s going on. With sensitivity, try inquiring with your friend or loved one if they’re upset about something in particular. If you think you may know what the issue is, mention it with an empathetic tone. Sometimes I’ve seen the sincere phrase of “Help me understand…” opens up hearts to share. People have told me that approach let them feel that I truly wanted to hear their thoughts and listen sincerely. (After all, they are laying their heart out, so it’s best to handle with care.)
    
    
  • Remember that they have a right to decline telling you. If you’ve asked kindly once or twice, and they haven’t engaged with you, let them know that you’d be happy to talk, if or when they become ready. Letting them know you will be there for them often communicates worlds of thoughtfulness and genuine concern.

• Then, give them some space. While they process their feelings, think back on your words and actions. That inner reflection may lead to you understanding how you may have been wrong or out of line. (It’s possible, right?) Looking objectively as you can (imagine being up in the air looking down at the ordeal), maybe you will easily see what your part was in the situation. When you can clearly articulate the role you played, then you’re ready to make an apology.

• Find just the right words. Next, consider how to phrase your apology. If you’re sincere about feeling sorry, those words will come to you pretty easily. Ask yourself, “What do I want to say?”

Sorry seems to be the hardest word.

– Elton John

• Finding the right words has two goals. The first is to convey the remorse you feel regarding your actions or words. The second and often-ignored goal is to promise not to repeat your hurtful behavior or comments going forward.
  
  
  • In your apology, avoid giving a reason or excuse for your actions. Those who make excuses for their hurtful behaviors look as if they’re trying to defend themselves, and this is not the time for that. In fact, I’ve seen that giving excuses (or even reasons) may never have a place in the apology. Your apology is about the pain caused to them, not about your reasons for your actions.

• Skillfully communicate your apology. At this point, you’re ready to verbally communicate your feelings.
  
  
  • Apologies are best done in person. Choose a comfortable setting where you will not be interrupted. Make eye contact and tell the person you have something important to address with them. During this time we’re in of self-isolation, try to get face time or screen time with them. If you can only arrange a phone call, at least do that. Trust me, you will be the bigger person for taking that step. Know that only texting an apology will nearly always feel flat. As long as we’re going across that bridge of making things right, let’s do the right thing with the right approach.
    
    
  • State your apology using appropriate voice tones. Avoid long, drawn out apologies. Make it short and sincere. Convey your honesty with your tone. Joking usually has no place in an apology – not at the beginning, middle or the end. In fact, it is unnecessary and unwelcome.
    
    
  • Prepare for any response your friend might have. Of paramount importance is to listen to any comments or questions from your friend about your prior actions. Take each statement seriously without being dismissive of a single one. If they are said, they are important.
    
    
  • In the event your friend makes angry comments toward you or further questions your motives in what you originally said or did, listen carefully and recognize that any angry words are most likely the result of hurt feelings. Your best response? Repeat your apology with sincerity.

Making things right is like cleaning out a wound: you have to clean out all of the infection or risk the wound re-infecting the body.

Without a doubt, making genuine, mature and adult apologies takes practice and skill. But if you follow the three steps above, you’ll be well on your way to putting your relationship back into good standing. And you’ll feel better about yourself too! Realizing that no one knows what tomorrow brings, making things right today with those we have hurt is not only the right thing to do, that very action will help us relieve a burden we have been carrying far too long.

If I have a problem (some would say I have many!), it would be that I can talk and talk and talk with anybody and you and you and you.

But I’ve found that knowing HOW to make lively conversation enriches your personal and professional life. For example, I have gotten to be friends with greeters, waiters and waitresses in several restaurants and security folks in multiple buildings throughout Manhattan. Why? I dunno. I just like striking up a conversation. I find people fascinating because each one has a story to tell. And oral communication plays a big part in how we learn about each other and draw closer together. Here are some methods for creating better dialogue.

Easy Methods for Improving Your Conversation Skills

1. Spend plenty of time listening. What? It’s true. You may find you need to actually talk less. Balance the amount of time you spend talking and the time you spend listening. Give others a chance to contribute. Think of conversations like a volleyball game where you can’t play unless the ball volleys back and forth over the net. Same thing.
   
2. Offer sincere compliments. If you can’t be genuine, don’t bother. But heartfelt compliments will warm up any exchange. Let people know you recognize their good qualities and the positive impact they make. My client and I once complimented a security man in midtown Manhattan about his expensive-looking gold watch. He beamed! We made a new friend and were greeted with a smile every time we returned over the years.
   
3. Watch how others respond. Be self-aware and observant when you’re talking. Always read the audience. If people are fidgeting, looking away or yawning, it could be a sign to change subjects or draw your chat to a close. (That just happened to me on a 30-minute Zoom call. I saw the other person was looking at things on his desk and responding less, so I instantly knew nothing more that I would say would register well. Next step? Thank him for his time and wrap it up. No personal offense was taken by me; I realized it was just time to end the meeting.)
   
4. Search out compatible people. Even if you’ve got some unusual interests and views, you can always find kindred spirits. Find a fellow music lover who will share their love for a top artist or an outdoors enthusiast to exchange adventure stories with.
   
5. Provide background information. People will be more receptive to unfamiliar subjects if you start at the beginning. Growing up in the South, I learned people will also open up when you do. Fill in the facts so it’s easier to follow what you’re talking about. And listen to them for their top points. It’s magic.
   
6. Open up your body language. A smile, friendly gestures and confident eye contact make you appear more likable and interesting. Stand up straight, pull your shoulders back and uncross your arms. In fact, stand as if a wire is holding you up from the crown of your head. Everything else will then fall into place and look natural.
   
7. Speak clearly. Slow down and articulate your words. Everything sounds better when you avoid mumbling. Holding your head up automatically makes you sound more energetic and warm.
   
8. Amp up your vocab. Increase your word power because the more expansive your vocabulary, the easier it is to select the precise words to convey your message. You’ll also make a better impression, sound more persuasive, garner more respect and likely earn more money. Simply put, you’ll AMAZE yourself. Best program I’ve found (with words we actually would use) is Executive Vocabulary (blue cover). Email me if you can’t find it. Definitely worth it.

More Challenging Methods for Improving Your Conversation Skills

1. Cherish others. People will be more receptive to anything you’ve got to say if they sense you take a sincere (key word!) interest in them and want to help them. Remind yourself of all YOU have to be grateful for. Look for opportunities to extend positive feelings you hold about your loved ones to a broader circle of acquaintances. Pay it forward. Live the Abundance Mentality (see Covey’s definition) and watch great things come your way.
   
2. Nourish your self-esteem. Know that you matter and you have worthwhile things to contribute. Remind yourself of your accomplishments and take strategic risks when it comes to speaking your mind.
   
3. Express your emotions. Be honest with yourself about your true feelings so you can talk about them in a constructive manner. This is another blessing from being raised in the candid South in a large family run by an Italian mother. We shared feelings. And we learned that discussing conflicts directly and tactfully prevents them from building up. Your example may give others the freedom to disclose more, too.
   
4. Focus on the present moment. Engage fully in what you’re doing. My kids have taught me to live in the moment and focus on the now. When you’re with others, set aside distractions (phones, devices) so you can give people your full attention. (In fact, more than once, I’ve had coworkers texting IN meetings WITH clients sitting RIGHT ACROSS the table from them. It was disconcerting to everyone, rude to the client – who’s paying the bills – and ultra-obvious to everyone…except the texter.)
   
5. Lead a meaningful life. Commit yourself to lifelong learning, use your leisure time well and do good for others. One of my mentors, Bruce Jensen, told me that in grad school, he would even make the most of the minutes waiting at the bus stop for his ride. Amazing dedication. And someone who is constantly learning, creating and inspiring. Be like that and, trust me, you’ll be at that level, too. Along the way, you’ll even have more to talk about.
   
6. Practice consistently. Like everything else, conversation skills improve the more you use them. Brush up on small talk with the cashier at the store, other customers at the café, food servers and the mail carrier. Those small tasks will better prepare for your next job interview or for having dinner with your growing network of associates.

Some of these suggestions are easy to use and others will require significant effort. They’re all worthwhile, though. Making conversations sparkle will help you to share more of yourself with others, deepen your friendships and make the world around you richer with memories.

There she was: an intern standing at the front of the room with senior executives and the company chairman – all agency team members for the venerable Jackson Hole Mountain Resort ad account. She reported her research findings, but the chairman, whose second love was Jackson Hole, said, “That’s not right” and set the record straight. We all agreed because he was, after all, the chairman who lived and breathed everything Jackson Hole long before any of us were on the team.

Everyone agreed, that is, except the intern – who was STILL in college! She countered, “Well, actually that IS right because I just spoke with them yesterday and they said…”

WOW! A showdown. Intern vs. Chairman. I braced myself.

Then Bob (chairman) said, “Oh, okay. I didn’t know that. You have more current information than I have.” Credit to Bob. But CREDIT to the INTERN!!

Twenty-plus years later, I still remember that incident and still work with that intern who advanced to senior positions, landed clients on the Today Show, etc., and is balancing her own PR firm demands with home-schooling kids during the pandemic.

Can you lead with courage? Can you lead with courage as a junior person in front of a roomful of senior execs? YES!

When we think of leaders, we might be tempted to think of courageous and heroic figures. The leader is the person at the vanguard of the army, leading the charge and taking the brunt of any enemy attacks. That’s what it means to be a leader in comic books and films after all.

Of course, this is not the reality for most of us. Most people will be managers and successful leaders, where there is very little gunfire or charging.

But that doesn’t mean you can rest. It is still very important to be courageous and heroic. It’s just that this courage will take a different form.

Leading Through Action

The best leaders are action-takers, like the intern. When we lead through action, we set a positive example for our team and inspire them to take action. In this way, we avoid one of the worst traits any leader can possess: hypocrisy.

Few things will inspire dissent in your ranks as quickly as being seen as hypocritical.

Nobody likes being asked to do things because they feel that their boss is simply unwilling or even afraid to do it themselves. You are in charge and with that comes responsibility. Giving the worst jobs to your team and not taking part in them yourself is an abuse of your power.

Decisiveness

Leading through action also means being decisive. It means being able to quickly make a decision and be willing to commit to that action. It means doing the homework and knowing your stuff.

Many lesser leaders make the mistake of deferring or avoiding decision-making. Their fear is that they’ll make the wrong decision and lose the respect of their staff. Their fear is they will disagree with the chairman or senior leaders and be relegated lower.

Just the opposite is likely to happen (if you do it politely…like Mama taught).

Being indecisive is worse than making an unwise or incorrect decision. Why? Because being indecisive makes a person seem weak and uncertain. And while taking action might sometimes result in a negative outcome, I’ve seen where delaying a decision has only ever had negative consequences.

Conversely, it’s nearly always inspiring to see someone who makes quick decisions, doesn’t doubt themselves and speaks up. Decisiveness also builds confidence in your team members.

Responsibility

How is decisiveness a mark of courage?

Simply put, it means that you’re willing to accept the responsibility that comes with the role of being a leader. Being a leader doesn’t mean telling others what to do and it certainly doesn’t mean getting to take all the credit.

Being a leader means taking responsibility for the team.

It means protecting them so they can do their best work. It means making decisions and being willing to deal with the consequences. It’s only when we don’t want to look bad that we avoid making decisions… and that is ultimately a mark of cowardice.

Fortitude

Finally, being a courageous leader means that you take your lumps when things do go sour. If you make a mistake, it’s important to not only own up to it, but also to stay calm and collected when you’re reprimanded by your own superiors, or when the organization risks collapsing.

Likewise, it’s absolutely crucial to remain calm in a crisis. That means setting a good example when things seem to be going wrong for the team. Prevent your team from going into a panic. I’ve often asked, “What kind of a captain do you want in charge of the ship caught in a storm? Be that captain.”

Stay calm and you’ll be able to address difficult issues in the most clear-thinking way.

How to Be the Hero They Need

Where does all this courage and stoicism come from? How can you acquire it if you don’t possess it naturally? Does it mean trying to act tough?

Not at all.

Being a truly great leader comes from having the right priorities. It means forgetting yourself and, instead, focusing on the goals of your group/team/company and the happiness that very team that makes it all happen. When you do that, it’s easy to be a courageous leader.